I would have never thought this is the person I am today.
Growing up, I had so much anxiety that it was at times debilitating. My depression would come in waves, especially during the holidays. I felt that I really had to "fake it til I make it" ever since I could remember til my college years. I called it my "cycles" and just allowed it to take over my whole being. I allowed it to take over my happiness. I allowed the label of anxiety and depression define who I was and it was my normal.
I allowed my perception of others control how I saw myself. It wasn't very "pretty". I was a major people pleaser. I felt the need to have to be a certain person to avoid conflict. Looking back it at, I may have had an identity crisis because I was a different person around the different groups of people I hung out with.
It's crazy how we're not taught to honor ourselves first when we are younger. We are first taught how best to fit in to this world, even if it doesn't vibe with our own individuality. We learn to be obedient, to suppress our voices, because people with more experience, more money, more authority has the right to instill their views on our innocent and pure minds. If I am not doing things that is to another person's standards, I am called a failure. There's so much pressure to succeed. But succeed to who's standards? Back then, I've always felt that I never really had a choice. I had to go with the flow, but it wasn't my flow.
But there was always this inner voice that told me to survive and push through this. That every experience I go through, will make me stronger. I believe that inner voice saved my life. That inner voice, my intuition.
As I got older, I realized that to create happiness in my life was to shift the lens on how I viewed my life. I started to separate anxiety and depression as what defined me to something that I can really fully separate from. I learned to acknowledge my feelings, journal, and also identify triggers. It definitely was not easy and it was surely not an overnight fix. The undoing of 20+ years of life took years of challenging work for me to finally feel "normal" and in my flow. To this day, I am constantly working on undoing and learning to love myself unconditionally. I have to be honest, I did not do it alone. I got help from therapy, listening and reading personal development, 1:1 coaching, energy healing and spiritual work.
I did not find these things all at once. As I continued my self-love journey, opportunities presented itself that helped me at those times. Things continue to present itself now that contribute towards my healing. At times I feel like I'm being tested, but my inner voice continue to tell me, "survive and push through this. That every experience I go through, will make me stronger. "
As I end this post, I couldn't help but wonder what compelled me to start up my blog. I listened to that feeling and did not question it. I realize now that it's another challenge, if you will. It's really hard for me to share the different layers of myself. I feel that if I kept my interactions on a surface level then I wouldn't have to face criticism and expose myself to everyone. I like to keep my hardships and wins on the down low. So this blog is for me to release and also share with you that you don't have to settle with where you are now and the journey towards self-love is never-ending but worthwhile.